Sucker PAWNCH (short commercial parody)

(The commercial begins with Wolf holding the Suck It vacuum.)

Wolf: Remember that old vacuum that sucked everything? Well now it can just Suck It. Now introducing a brand new vacuum invention the all new Sucker PAWNCH!

(shows a glove like vacuum)

Wolf: That’s right bitches. The all new Sucker PAWNCH comes with a new means of business. How does it work you ask? Well I’m going to tell you even if you don’t give a shit.  SO SIT DOWN YA FUCK!!!

(Shows Wolf with Neckbeard)

Wolf: Look at this fat fuck. You hate him? Well I hate him more. But do you know when you do punch a person sometimes and some of the filth from him sticks to your hand. (fit’s the vacuum on his hand) Now you can say fuck off to all that filth by applying the vacuum like so.

Neckbeard: this commercial sucks! This isn’t funny at al… (his face starts getting sucked by the vacuum)

Wolf: now for this guy we need to give him an extreme clean because of all the shit that comes from him. (Turns the vacuum on high and it rips his whole face right off) There no his face is clean to the bone. Now the final touch after the sucker is… (Uses the vacuum as a punching glove chattering the face of Neckbeard) PAWNCH!!!


(Shows a line of people)

Wolf: Now you may not want to have to wait to go through the whole process one by one, that’s why we add one of many features like the suck-hit. (Punches the first guy as the vacuum was sucking) or when you don’t feel like them coming to you choose the GET-OVER-HERE-SUCKER! (turns on the feature to pull in the next guy in the suction and has his face run into the vacumm) Or perhaps the guy is getting away like that one.

Next guy: (Gets in his car) Fuck this! I never signed up for this commercial! (drives off)

Wolf: For this you choose the feature Surprise Sucker.  (turns it on and pulls himself towards the car in the suction then uses the fist like vacuum to punch through the back window and hit the back of the head of the guy knocking him out) Works like a charm.

(Leaps out of the car before it crashes into a train)

Wolf: We know how women are weaker than men. (in the background it shows a lot of angry offended women) We also know the suck at anything so now we give them a feature especially for them called Blow Job. (Women are even more angry) Now it might not give the women the option to suck, but it will reverse the vacuum’s function to have them blow anything they wish.

Angry Woman: (wears  the  vacuum on her hand)  okay then allow me to blow you! (she charges at Wolf)

Wolf: Sorry but you are too much of a bitch to give me a blow job. Hey Kool-aid!

Kool-Aid: (crashes through a wall) OH YEAH! (Wolf steps out of the way just in time when the woman tried to punch Wold and punches him instead sending him flying away) OH NOOOOoooo….

Wolf: And for you men, if you have an outraged broad like this one. (points to the angry woman)

Woman: What did you call me!?

Wolf: Switch the feature to Suck-her and apply to your PMSing girlfriend like so.

(puts the suction tube to the woman’s vagina sending her into a state of ecstasy making her go stiff and then drops in pleasure as she moans)\

Wolf: there are many ways to use this for. Making a lie. (shows guys listening to the sounds of a woman screaming in pleasure from a nerd using it to suck her vagina and making them think he was doing all the work of giving her pleasure) Dealing with the boss. (shows a boss in his office shouting at an employee until he places the vacuum on his hand and cleans the boss’ chin before punching him out the hundred story building.) Getting quick cash. (shows a man use it to pull wallets from people’s pockets using the suction)

(Shows a different selection of vacuums)

Wolf: So order you Sucker PAWNCH now in it’s variety of different colors like bloody-nose red, fresh vagina pink, shit-yer-pants brown, or our special look, bruised black eye.

Man: (has a black eye) Don’t ask how we came with that idea.

Wolf: Order now!

Red: this product may cause, death, small penis, super death, haters, extreme death, get-knocked-right-the-fuck-out, did I mention death, bitches-be-trippin’, nuclear apocalypse, flying killer turtles with guns, and frequent attacks by Hitler babies. Make sure you have a shotgun if the last side affect appears.